Time to start blogging again

In 2006 i blogged 87 times, in 2008 i have blogged about 3 times. I have been reading over all my old posts and realised how helpful they were in sorting out my life and finally getting from Hull to Peckham in 2006, it was a crazy year.

So now in July 2008 i find myself in a similar place; on 31st August i finish my job and my contract on my house is up.

Honestly i'm not entirely sure what is next. It's quite a scary place to be. There are about 1000000 things and ideas flying round my head but i dont know what is right. I have really loved working for All saints but it has not come without its challenges, heartbreak and exhaustion. making the decision to stop working for the church was hard and easy all at the same time. God is calling me into into some deeper, more real and long term.

Faith wise this past year has been the hardest of my life - i have faced my humanity and failings head on as well as the humanity and failings of the church. I have struggled and been broken like never before but i have also been able to choose Jesus in the middle of all the pain like never before. My friendship have been tried and tested and shaken. More than anything else I have learnt that i will never understand God, i will never understand pain, loss or evil but i am now at a place where I can cope with not knowing. I do not need to understand it. Jesus is my prize and that is what really matters, that doesn't stop me missing Cazza though.

Full time church ministry is not for me at the moment. I started to resent being involved with church because I had to be there becuase it was my job. Before i loved spending all my time at church because it was a choice. I am desperate to get back to that place.

What's next is the question. travelling, a job, back to university?

My basic plan at the moment is to train to be a midwife but that wouldn't start until Sept 2009 so i would have a year to play with. Perfect time for a gap year - currently i'm thinking about going to Sydney but wqho knows. If the perfect job comes up then i'll take that instead of it all. i really hate not knowing. My faith is being grown once again. I long for more permance in my life though. I have dreams of family community and living amoungst people, not just being trapped with in my church culture bubble. I hate it, it is suffocating me.

I have just got back from speanding a week with Glasnost in Macedonia they have taught me so much which i am still processing about family and destiny. I'll blog out that when its processed! For now i know that i will choose destiny over vision anyday.

more later x x

Only boring people get bored

I'm enjoying quite a lengthy summer break at the moment, it's definately one of the perks of being a student worker.
The first week or at least couple of days was lush, lots of reading, praying and generally relaxing. Then the boredom hit due to me having a short attention span, no money and everyone else being at work, and i'm talking dangerously bored...
So in the past couple of weeks to elliviate my boredom i have;

made banana muffins
seen radiohead live
watched day time TV
applied for about 10000 jobs
stressed out about said jobs
watched daytime TV
read 2 books
gone back to oxford twice
whinged alot about being bored
missed rachel
speant hours faffing on the internet
prayed
talked to my mum most days
got my hair cut
caught a cold
annoyed both of my brothers
seen frit
looked forward to getting paid £50 to get my hair dyed
journalled
prayed some more
watched TV
updated my gig ticket scrapbook
listened to russll brand pod casts
bought two new cds (dan le sac vs scroobious pip and death cab for cutie)
seen Catherine and the st drews crew
spoken to Jen on her new phone
spoken to Jen on her old phone
got my photos developed and put into albums
stessed out about australia
worried about job interviews
sniffed alot
SLEPT