home sweet home

things that are good about being home;

Jen is in oxford tomorrow
mum dvded spooks
i get to see and speak to lots of people and stuff and things
frit is getting married
i get to reload my entire music collection on to my ipod and make fun playlists (many many)
Jesus is good and nice to me

things that are bad about being home;

ITS TOO COLD
I'm not in Australia

Coldplaying

So I have tickets for Coldplay at Wembley for September 2009, I'm really glad I managed to get them because i missed out on the december tour what with being in Australia and all. What I'm not so excited about is the fact tat Jay Z is supporting, luckily i didn't get the date which Girls Aloud are, i seriously would not have coped with that.

I first fell in love with Coldplay the first time they were ever played on radio one by Steve Lamacque and i have battled to love them ever since. Over the years as thier popularity has grown and grown I have fought the urge to disguard them in favour of more unknown 'cool' bands. They keep writing fantastic, anthemic, beautiful songs and I continue to love them despite it all.

I have seen them live three times before and they have never disappointed so I know that know matter who thier poor choice of support are they will be fantastic. In fact last time i saw them live (July 5th 2005) caused me to ring my mum and say something along the lines of "I'm so happy I feel like its my birthday and Christmas and I'm in heaven a little bit all at once". And I really was. It turned out to be the recording of the "fix You' video which further added to my joy. The happiness was short lived but that is a story for another time.

All i can say is me and Coldplay have a lot of history, some good, some awful but i can not wait to see them live again.

And this time I'm taking my mum

tattoos...

I think I have a problem, it has been developing over the past 18months or so and is getting worse and worse, I am becoming increasingly addicted to tattoos. I fear it is beginning to take over my brain.

I've always liked the idea of having a tattoo but didn't actually ever get round to getting one until march this year, i think it was mainly down to laziness more than anything else. Since march it's as if a switch has been flicked in my head! I notice and look for them wherever I go, i think some are really tacky and others are amazing and profound and beautiful.

I have come to a realisation recently though and that is that i can love and appreciate tattoos without having to have lots myself. Just because i like something doesn't mean I have to have it! Having said that I really want some more work doing to the 2 chronicles 7:14 on my back, I think I want some colour and some flowers added to make it more of a piece.

I have noticed that in London not many of my friends have tats so i dont go too crazy (unless i'm with Kat) however spending some time this summer with friends from macedonia my love just went to another level, especially because Alpin is a tattoo artist, maybe i'll get him to do some more work on my back when i go over this spring, if I can wait that long! Hanging out with john and frit just feeds and feeds it too!

So here are some of mine and my friends for you to enjoy...

less than 2 weeks left

I go back to England in less than three weeks, time out here really has gone so quickly. I have alot of decisions to make when i get back, not good for a girl who is getting increasingly indecisive in her old age. Please can you pray for me that I will hear God in it all and wont get too caught up with my own head and thoughts. His ways are so much greater than mine but sometimes, well alot of the time, i get tricked in to thinking that actually i know alot better.

I'm learning to reclaim my dreams of old at the moment but its actually quite hard as i have become used to living a mediocre life. One in which I have settled into a certain way of living, a certain way of doing things and for settling for so much less than Gods best for my life. So I'm re- thinking and re-shuffleling and trying to work out what it may look like back home. Oyt here life is SO great and in perspective but i realise its only temporary. Literally my whole life has been thrown up in to the air and i dont know if i have to wait to see where it will land or whether i need to direct it. I only hope that if I direct it God will help it end up where its supposed to be. I just dont know what to do at the moment. I always knew this point would come though.

So in the near future the guardian job site and the UCAS website beckon, more than that I dont know at the moment but these decisions could change it all. I wanna be faithful and not run away just becuase i'm scared things may hurt. I know that God is so much bigger than that. Sorry if this all a bit rambly and cryptic but its not sorted in my head yet. Maybe when it is i can be more eloquent. Please pray for me.

Where the rainforest meets the reef

So I've just got back from an amazing week in Cairns in Queensland. the weather was beautiful if not slightly sweaty and i saw some of the most awesome natural beauty I have ever seen in my life. Left me standing and thinking with my mouth open most of the time. I still cant quite believe that I had the privilege of being in the oldest rainforest in the world, some of the species of plants there are the oldest in the whole world - how crazy is that?

I'm now in the final stretch of my time in Australia, less than a month to go, home seems not very far away now and I really don't know quite how I feel about that yet.

All things fun and important

This weekend I got a new tattoo. God has been reminding me of a lot of stuff since I have been here in Oz . A few weeks ago at Encounterfest we were encouraged to make this season of our life the one that changes everything else. To experience Jesus in such a powerful way that the rest of our life is totally wrecked and all we can do is share His goodness with everyone we meet. Carl Lentz (who was preaching and reminded me alot of John Clarke) is an amazing evangelist and like all evangelists does it in the most natural and normal of ways - i think he just has alot of friends.

I was totally inspired, I was like 'Yes! this is it, I want this to be the season in my life, a season that changes everything else. I want to live eat and breathe Jesus, to be consumed by his dreams to constantly have conversations about the kingdom, about end times, about the battles we face every day and about Revival. I want to be totally consumed and in love with church. I want to give my life to the cause, not just a bit but every single inch of me, totally intoxicating in love with Jesus to the extent that it infects every one around me. I want to share me devotion, excitement and passion for Jesus with everyone I meet. I want to go out of my way for the hurting, the broken and the dying. I want to bring light in to our very dark and yet beautiful world.

Then it hit me, I have already had that encounter with Jesus. 2003 - 2005 I was living a totally radical and spirit filled life where all of the things above were my everyday reality. Somehow in the past three years it has become duller and my life has become more everyday rather than radical and world changing. I think i have done what i always feared I would - settled. This isn't the end though because the best is yet to come, I am now back to where I was before and believe me the only way is up. No time for excuses anymore, I am so sick and tired of them. It's time for change and to carry one believing that God is going to use me to change the world, my world. time is so short.

So I have got a tattoo in a mark of recognition for all that, as a reminder that the gospel is not to be kept to myself but that it contains the most astounding freedom and grace which the world is aching to hear and a love they are crying out for. Not more telling stories from 5 years ago. I am SO ready for new ones.

"How beautiful on the mountains
are the feet of those who bring good news,
who proclaim peace,
who bring good tidings,
who proclaim salvation,
who say to Zion,
"Your God reigns!"

Isaiah 52:7

Well i want me feet to be beautiful so I have the good news written on them as a reminder to take it where ever I go. it may be cheesy but do you know what? I really don't care.

Says it all

I love the David Crowder Band, I love Jesus even more.

The Glory Of It All

At the start, He was there, He was there.
In the end, He’ll be there,He’ll be there
And after all, Our hands have wrought, He forgives

Oh, the glory of it all
Is He came here
For the rescue of us all
That we may live
For the glory of it all
Oh, the glory of it all

All is lost, Find Him there, Find Him there
After night, Dawn is there, Dawn is there
And after all, Falls apart, He repairs, He repairs

Oh, He is here
With redemption from the fall
That we may live
For the glory of it all
Oh, the glory of it all

After night
Comes a light
Dawn is here
Dawn is here
It’s a new day, a new day
Oh, everything will change
Things will never be the same
We will never be the same

Oh, everything will change
Things will never be the same
We will never be same

This is me, exactly where I'm at right now. The night has past, dawn is here, everything is about to change and I have no idea how, where or when all I know this that I am about to enter a really exciting new season in my life and I'm so excited, expectant and my heart is bursting full of all kinds of happiness for no good reason other than JESUS.

Passion in Sydney

Tuesday night I went to the Sydney stop of the Passion World tour. It was the last of 17 countries that Loius Gigilio, Chris Tomlin, David Crowder Band, and team were visiting.

On the 5th June I attended the London stop. The London stop had been a pretty significant time for me as god was really beginning to wake me up about a lot of stuff again. I was planning and thinking about the next 6 months and where I would be and what I would be doing. At that point i had no idea that I would be in Sydney for the last stop of the tour.

I love university aged people, it is such an unbelievably exciting stage of life where you can dream huge and the world is your oyster so the Passion gatherings have been fantastic. Sydeny was no exception to this, to see Sydeny exhibition Centre filled with 8000 people desperate to see their city and their universities change was awsome.

but you know what? Sydney isn't home. it was great to pray for the city and being part of something so exciting but the same fire didn't rise in my heart like it did/ does when i'm praying for London. London has well and truly got a hold of my heart. So for all of you wondering whether I'll come back, don't worry I will be. I LOVE it here in Sydney but God has by no way finished with me and London yet.

Also I stayed for the whole David Crowder band set and I have to say I may have finally found a christian band that i'm not ashamed to admit liking!

from an email...

An excert from an email to a friend I love very much;

What I can say is that for the first time in a long time I am really happy and know for a fact that God has good things for me and that I want to share the gospel because its amazing and for no other reason. I also know that HE is the only one with strength and HE is the only one that can do it. That's not just something i'm saying but it's something I'm really beginning to believe. my God is able and that's not just a song or a nice idea - its the truth.

There's alot more to be done, i'm not even dreaming at the moment, i'm just falling deeper in to him and its not intense or stressful or because I feel I need to or should its because he's caught me up in His love all over again and is reminding me what my whole life is about, HIM. Not about dreams, visions , missions or passions its simply a love story. I dont have to do anything. My worth is found in the fact He loves me and nothing more, not in changing the world, not in changing Peckham not even in praying but just letting myself be loved and falling in love with Him all over again.

I'm getting there...

The death of my ipod

Two days ago my ipod started really playing up, yesterday i took it to the apple shop in Sydney and they said it's pretty much dead. I am so gutted. I sulked my way around the city centre yesterday venturing in to the odd record shop in order to try and fill the void in my heart with the odd cd. Typical that this had to happen while I'm on the other side of the world from my utterly amazing CD collection. To be honest everything is not lost though as i have my apple mac with me which has about 5% of my music collection so that something. I REALLY need to pull myself together. This is good for me.

Now I can buy CDs in Australia with slightly more purpose my current hit list is; Joan as Police woman "Survivor", Ida Maria "Pieces of my heart", Elbow "The seldom see kid" and Woodpigeon "Songbook". yesterday i found a lush little second hand music shop called 'red eye records', I wish there were more record stores like it in the UK. I bought a live John Butler Trio recording which I am enjoying immensely, man that guy can play guitar.

So a new ipod is top of my Christmas list, i'm actually really looking forward to taking about a week out of my life to upload all my Cds and reorganise everything whn i get home. What a loser!

grow your own girlfriend

Before I left for Oz i was doing some praying a stuff about what i should do with my life and stuff. God gave me a picture of a 'grow your own girlfriend'. It's basically a tiny sponge which you put in water overnight and it grows to about 100000 times its size. I felt like God was saying that I needed to find somewhere where i would grow and flourish. I wasn't doing that in Peckham. I needed to find somewhere that I would flourish. Well guess what?... that's what I'm doing here in Sydney and I love it.

The average life?

So I've been in Australia nearly two weeks now and so far I have been to Hillsong 7 times which i think is pretty good going! I've been to Sunday services, a love, sex and relationships special event, Sisterhood (womens ministry) and Power House (18-25s). I'm really enjoying being somewhere that's whole church culture is so different to what I'm used to. Everyone loves their church here and it is so refreshing.

I turned 25 two days before I flew out here so i had the tough choice of joining either Powerhouse (18-25) or Frontline (25-35). I opted for Powerhouse as they have weekly meeting so it would be easier to get to know more people. Also I love the 18-25 age group and I am definitely not ready to grow up just yet, I plan to cling to my youth for as long as possible!

Last night at Powerhouse a guy called Thomas Hansen was speaking on 'What to do when facing a blackhole'. It was a great message about facing life's frailty and about not accepting an average because God is not average and does not see us as average. He was encouraging us to live our lives with passion as if our lives were to end tomorrow. He used a great quote which i would love to find out where its' from;

"We have all of eternity to celebrate our victories but we only have one swift hour before eternity to win them".

I love having time out here to really put the priorities right in my life again, to live each day like its my last, to stop finding excuses, to fall in love with God's house all over again and to allow God space and time to make the fire in my heart very real again.

Got me thinking last night though that when I was slap bang in the middle of the Power House age group i found it far easier to live a more than average life. I dont know why it has got harder as I have got older. I guess its because real life has taken over rather than the space and time to dream big at university and even while working at All Saints. i am determined that over these next few months I am going to pursue Jesus until I am back right in the middle of dreaming deep and wide in Him again. Yes its true that I dont know exactly what I'm gonna do with the rest of my life (at the moment it looks like midwifery) what i do know is that I have been created to live a more than average life and I'm desperate to find out how to do it and how to sustain it. The more I dive into Christ i pray the more He will show me.

The same but different

I have been in Sydney for 5 days now and i seem to be settling in and having a brilliant time. It was 35c when i arrived on saturday which was a very nice welcome indeed.

I really like Australia, it all feels very familiar and yet is actually the other side of the world, everyone here seems alot happier and i'm sure its to do with the weather! One of the most striking differences is the houses and streets and things. I think perhaps it all feels familiar because everything reminds me of Ramsey street, i'm not even joking its a very weird thing.

Another observation I have made is that rather than adopting some pseudo australian accent which i was sure i was going to I have in fact become more english. I think it's because I just like to be different where ever I am! I'm feeling very pleased with myself about that!

Yesterday I went into the city and did some exploring on my own which was great I really really love Sydney, it is very fun. I have actually seen the harbour bridge and the opera house in real life! All the tourist shops are exactly the same as in London just full of Australian souvenirs like cuddlely kangaroos and pencils with koalas on and boomerangs. Its horrid cos i hate those sort of shops in England but i find myself strangely drawn to them here! Being a tourist is weird and i'm trying to battle with it and make the most of it! It's great! the strangest thing I have found so far is that the trains are double decker. it makes so much more sense than our stupid english ones!

sorry there are no photos of my own yet.

Meg out

Over thinking

Moved out of Peckham and back into my parents house yeterday, man I have alot of stuff. my brain is now well and truly fixed on going to Sydney now.
I'm hoping to take a bit of time out to travel around Oz while I'm there, see the great barrier reef and other such exciting things. I am not good at spending time on my own though, in fact I'm blinking awful at it. I think that being on my own is an area of my life that I'm going to be really challenged through while being away. I'm just not good at entertaining myself. its the one aspect of the trip that I'm actually quite worried about. I'm not going to let it bother me too much though.

packing and parties

Been packing up more of my room today, it doesn't feel very real today that I'm leaving Peckham on Sunday and heading to Sydney, it feels a bit like a story which i have told a whole bunch of times but which I don't really believe.
Soon Sydney is going to be my real life and then I'll have to believe it.
Who knows what will happen here in the three months I'll be away, if it's anything like the last three months there is no way I'd ever be able to predict in advance!

Next week I'm having an Australian themed birthday party which I'm currently compiling a playlist for, consisting of only Australian or Australian related artists, so far i've got;

Kylie Minogue
Cabbage Garden
Jason Donavon
The Vines
Natalie Imbruglia
Jet
Inxs
Moulin Rouge Soundtrack
Powderfinger
Architecture in Helsinki
The Avalanches

Any more i should add?

Thinking about leadership

To be honest my head is pretty clouded by the recent news about Michael Guglielmucci the author of the worship song 'healer' who admitted yesterday that he has been faking cancer for the past two years.
(www.theaustralian.news.com.au/story/
0,25197,24216087-5006787,00.html)

Last week it was announced that Todd Bentley who has been leading the Florida outpouring has separated from his wife due to him forming an inappropriate emotional connection with another woman (http://www.freshfire.ca/). Both Mike and Todd have stepped down from ministry.

It's a big deal and my head is swimming by all sorts of feelings and emotions. Mainly it has made me realise that I really have made the right choice in stepping down from full time church work for the time being. Not that I have any massive secrets that need to be dealt with but that I can see the danger in it. If i did mess up i dont know how well i would deal with it. This year I saw how easy it would be to leave things unsaid and in secret and in turn how damaging that would be. For example if i were to have a one night stand while in leadership in the church I would lose not only my position of leadership but my job and my home as well. That is a scary thing. Not that i was ever tempted to have a one night stand! All I am saying is that if it were to happen i know i would be tempted not to say anything and let it build up and build up for the sake of not losing everything. My pride is huge.

I dont ever want to be that person and being in full time leadership is a massive responsibilty that i dont know that I am ready for or even will ever be ready for.

Decision made

Yesterday i bought a return flight to Sydney, I'm off on 11th September for three months. Now that i have made the decision it seems so obvious that it was the right one all along, i faffed around for far too long trying to make my mind up. I am so unbelievablely excited about my Australian adventure. I know I'm not going for long but it's a start, a bit like dipping my toe in to see what's next.
The what next is also exciting but I'm focusing on the now because I don't think I have ever been this excited in my entire life. Let me tell you that's VERY excited! I have a million expectations and none all at the same time.
moving to Peckham two years ago was one of the scariest things i have ever done. The Saturday i moved in it was sos strange walking down Rye lane knowing i couldn't possibly bump into anyone i knew because i hadn't met them yet! I lent on God like never before because he was all that I knew. Going to Sydney is going to be like that but even more crazy because everyone I know and love wont be a train ride away - they will be on the other side of the world! I cant wait! Not that i want to get away from everyone but that I am so ready for adventure and learning more of god, people and church.

Listening to Noah and the Whale - 5 years time which i have decided is a very happy nice summer tune

Indecision...

At the moment I am having to make a lot of choices and decisions about my life and the way i would like it to take and the way in which i want to spend the next few months especially. There appears to be no right or wrong answer at the moment and i am just being left with decisions which will have no ethical consequence and ultimately wont even necessarily effect my life hugely in the long run (well who knows where they will lead actually). Just might make the next year or so be unbelievable or suck in lots of different ways.

Man they are the hardest kind of choices to make, not knowing which way it could turn. At every other cross road in my life God has pointed out my way so clearly. i have been longing for him to do the same this time but He doesn't appear to be doing so. i get the feeling that he is simply telling me i can make a choice, its up to me. Its getting quite late now and my options will be seriously limited if i don't start making some decisions. I'm feeling like Frankel - this must be how he lives his entire life!

I'm 95% sure of what i'm going to do and the next few days will make it actually happen or not so prayers for God to show up if it's not right would be good. Its time to take a deep breath and to go for it absolutely blind trusting with every inch of me that He is good what ever happens and where ever I end up.

its so scary but in an extreme sports kind of way.
x x x

Photos like the small selection above are helping me with some serious withdrawal symptoms from everything macedonian. They are either helping or making everything a million times worse - i'm not quite sure which. Another nice thing is that facebook is helping me not to let go at all especially now it has chat, which is a lovely thing. It's only been a week but i'm still not coping well.

Glasnost...

I've been back from Macedonia for 5 days and i am still missing everyone like crazy. I had an amazing week despite the fact that for most of it it was raining, but it wasn't the weather i went for. I went because of my friendship with Glasnost, a group of amazing macedonians from Skopje who inspire me in ways they don't even imagine.
Last week i learnt so much about what it is to be part of a community who love each other like family, who really love each other. I'm not saying that my friends and church dont love each other but Glasnost have something so deep and real with one another, i cant explain but i want it so much. There was a couple of guys with them who had only recently become christians. it was so refreshing to be around new believers, i realised that i haven't been for a good couple of years, not in a friendship setting anyway and it makes me so sad and utterly determined to change my life as a result of it.
Faith seems so real to glasnost they have actively chosen Christ and stepped out from a life without him in the culture into one with him right at the centre. Its inspiring to me because, me and many of my friends have been brought up within the church (whether we believed it for ourselves or not) and that effects our faith today in a huge way, i believe it dulls it down and makes it part of the furniture. What i love is that they are discovering church and creating it for themselves rather than being told what to do all the time or not changing because they have always done it that way generation after generation. maybe iIm not making sense.

I guess what i'm saying is that they really are the new thing that Isaiah talks about. They are totally new yet are reclaiming the old for themselves and for Christ within their generation. They are rebuilding the ancient ruins and cities long devastated in Macedonia and yet at the same time it is a totally fresh, new and real amazing move of God.

I am desperate for some of that, i'll settle for friendship with them for now.

Time to start blogging again

In 2006 i blogged 87 times, in 2008 i have blogged about 3 times. I have been reading over all my old posts and realised how helpful they were in sorting out my life and finally getting from Hull to Peckham in 2006, it was a crazy year.

So now in July 2008 i find myself in a similar place; on 31st August i finish my job and my contract on my house is up.

Honestly i'm not entirely sure what is next. It's quite a scary place to be. There are about 1000000 things and ideas flying round my head but i dont know what is right. I have really loved working for All saints but it has not come without its challenges, heartbreak and exhaustion. making the decision to stop working for the church was hard and easy all at the same time. God is calling me into into some deeper, more real and long term.

Faith wise this past year has been the hardest of my life - i have faced my humanity and failings head on as well as the humanity and failings of the church. I have struggled and been broken like never before but i have also been able to choose Jesus in the middle of all the pain like never before. My friendship have been tried and tested and shaken. More than anything else I have learnt that i will never understand God, i will never understand pain, loss or evil but i am now at a place where I can cope with not knowing. I do not need to understand it. Jesus is my prize and that is what really matters, that doesn't stop me missing Cazza though.

Full time church ministry is not for me at the moment. I started to resent being involved with church because I had to be there becuase it was my job. Before i loved spending all my time at church because it was a choice. I am desperate to get back to that place.

What's next is the question. travelling, a job, back to university?

My basic plan at the moment is to train to be a midwife but that wouldn't start until Sept 2009 so i would have a year to play with. Perfect time for a gap year - currently i'm thinking about going to Sydney but wqho knows. If the perfect job comes up then i'll take that instead of it all. i really hate not knowing. My faith is being grown once again. I long for more permance in my life though. I have dreams of family community and living amoungst people, not just being trapped with in my church culture bubble. I hate it, it is suffocating me.

I have just got back from speanding a week with Glasnost in Macedonia they have taught me so much which i am still processing about family and destiny. I'll blog out that when its processed! For now i know that i will choose destiny over vision anyday.

more later x x

Only boring people get bored

I'm enjoying quite a lengthy summer break at the moment, it's definately one of the perks of being a student worker.
The first week or at least couple of days was lush, lots of reading, praying and generally relaxing. Then the boredom hit due to me having a short attention span, no money and everyone else being at work, and i'm talking dangerously bored...
So in the past couple of weeks to elliviate my boredom i have;

made banana muffins
seen radiohead live
watched day time TV
applied for about 10000 jobs
stressed out about said jobs
watched daytime TV
read 2 books
gone back to oxford twice
whinged alot about being bored
missed rachel
speant hours faffing on the internet
prayed
talked to my mum most days
got my hair cut
caught a cold
annoyed both of my brothers
seen frit
looked forward to getting paid £50 to get my hair dyed
journalled
prayed some more
watched TV
updated my gig ticket scrapbook
listened to russll brand pod casts
bought two new cds (dan le sac vs scroobious pip and death cab for cutie)
seen Catherine and the st drews crew
spoken to Jen on her new phone
spoken to Jen on her old phone
got my photos developed and put into albums
stessed out about australia
worried about job interviews
sniffed alot
SLEPT

all my hopes and dreams?

Realised i haven't done the blogging thing for a while but I think i'm back, especially since this thursday i got a lovely shiny new Mac book which is very wonderful.

The past week has been somewhat of an emotional rollercoaster for me. I entered a competition with MTV to win a trip to SXSW music festival in Texas and to do a bit of reporting for them. Only 12 people entered the competition so of course i was pretty convinced that i would win. I didn't.

I have wanted to go to South by South West for years, it's probably the biggest and best festival for new music in the entire world. On monday when it became apparent that i wouldn't be going i was distraught and somewhat inconsolable. I felt like ll my hopes and dreams for my entire life had come crashing down around me and and that God hated me, what can i say? i'm melodramatic.

This summer i am moving on from working for All Saints as i feel that it is time for a new phase. I have been toying with the idea of persuing work in the music industry what with living in London and my complete anti social obsessiveness with it all. I thought that winning this competeition would be a handy way of God giving me a bit of a leg up, but it wasn't meant to be.

Got me thinking that actually working in music would send me one of two ways; either i would go completely mental and become totally absorbed in it all, Jesus taking a back seat or it simply wouldn't satisfy me in any way.

On to other things then...

A very happy un-birthday to me

Last monday my alpha group met up for a new year alpha re-union dinner. We had alot of fun and it was so lovely to catch up with everyone again. We met for dinner at TGI fridays in leicester square which is always fun. they were teasing me for most of the night that they were going to tell the waiter that it was my birthday and i didn't think that they would actually do it, how wrong i was.

The waiter came over and first of all tied 6 balloons to my wrist and then made me stand on my chair while the whole restuarant sand happy birthday to me. then he brought over cake and a candel. I suppose that the correct emotion to feel on this occasion was embarassment but i have to say i was infact quite proud to have the entire TGI Fridays singing happy birthday to me even though my birthday was 4 months ago.

x x x x